Zombiekim's CosmoSUCKStravaganza
Cosmopolitan magazine is neither funny nor smart. Their jokes are like standup of the "Women can't drive, but men can't ask for directions!" variety, thrown in with a Nelly Furtado soundtrack and a glittery "You Go Girl!!" sticker. It's as if Sex and the City and Everybody Loves Raymond made an awful, awful baby together, and then kept making that same baby every month of the goddamn year. And if that's not nightmarish enough for you, Cosmopolitan's photo captions (see left) all seem to be from the same C+ minds that wrote my high school yearbook.
I wouldn't mind so much, if it wasn't for the word-on-the-street quotes. These bits of advice, from such as "Jill, 26," and "Barry, 32," are sprinkled throughout the magazine. Trouble is, they are all ludicrously Cosmo-speaked. They may be fake or just heavily edited, but either way, they all share the same idiotic metaphors and lingo. Do I really believe that Alain, 25's advice to the ladies is, "Sex is kind of like Christmas: Giving is half the fun"? If it's not faked, then they shouldn't be asking virgins for sex advice. (Besides, everyone knows why it's like Christmas: a fat old man in a red suit slips you a candy cane, and soon everyone's crying over the ham. Right? Oh, wait. That's Easter.) Or what about Brock, 24: "If I find ways to take jabs at your guy friends, it's not that I don't like them. It's just that I am jealous and want you all to myself, and it's hard for me to admit." Sorry, Brock, 24, but I think it's actually because of your not-so-latent homosexual desires. What I'm trying to say is that there's no way to NOT notice Cosmo's atrocious writing. Kind of like how if you think zombies are annoying, you really shouldn't be here. You should be somewhere else, sucking really hard.
click Giraffey's dumb caption to go to Part 4 |
Am I nitpicking? Perhaps. Perhaps I have no right to expect an intelligent sense of humor from a magazine that has an article advising women on how to wipe their asses. Nope, 
