Looking back at myself as a teenager, I can see how innocent I was; stopping short of goody two-shoes, I was nonetheless an honor student with an aversion to the F-word. Back then, I have to admit I loved Cosmopolitan magazine and eagerly awaited each perfumed issue. It was exciting--because its focus on sex was somewhat taboo, yes, but also because it was endlessly glamorous to someone like me. If Cosmo was to be believed, then I'd one day be a stylish 20-something in a posh apartment, dividing my time between hitting the gym, lunching with the girls, and going out nightly on thrilling and expensive dates.
Now I'm in my 20s, and I'm still using the smell test on my tee shirts and watching too much TV. I'm just as helpless as ever, but I am a bit savvier. If this means I must be disillusioned from my Cosmopolitan dreams, so be it; that magazine is godawful and I'm just glad I finally figured it out.
So, with the help of the August 2008 "Hot Issue" (and in honor of Cosmo's own linguistic license), I bring you...
It's fair to ask, first, if I'm even in the target audience for this magazine. Is this like if I made fun of Highlights for Children for not being intellectual enough (which would be foolish, because it so is)? Purportedly, Cosmopolitan subscribers are "fun, fearless, female." Am I?
*Fun: I'm perpetually broke and I enjoy naps more than the average 70-year-old, but I am pretty delightful, so I certainly rate somewhere between "too much fun" and "fuddy duddy." That I used the term "fuddy duddy" probably gives you an idea of where I belong on that spectrum.
*Fearless: Here is a short list of things I'm afraid of, in no special order: insects, germs, long fingernails, being alone in a swimming pool (because of sharks), talking on the phone, rollercoasters, people who don't wash their hands enough, spiders, other people, large dogs, extreme sports, regular sports, global warming, corpse hands creeping under the sheet to touch me when I'm falling asleep, singing in public, new jobs, marionette puppets, embarrassment, children, zombies.
*Female: Yes. Yes, I am female.
click to go on to Part 1 (of 4)!
(the Stepdads headline was Sean's idea)
