Phoenix, AZ, January 12, 2011—Associated Zombie Press:
Support is growing for the controversial Hagues-Brown bill, otherwise known as the “Fuck You, We’re Arizona” bill.
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Remember when you were a kid, and Halloween was coming up, and you wanted to go to an awesome haunted house? You’d seen them in movies, you’d heard about them in campfire tales (except, if you were poor like I was, they were “tales told around the flashlight because we didn’t have enough money to pay the electric bill this month”–ooo, spooky), and you’d put in your mandatory 500 Childhood Hours watching Scooby Doo reruns. You’d probably also made up stories about which houses around your neighborhood were “haunted,” only because your neighborhood was so boring, they were really just the tract houses that had been unoccupied for more than six months or that one place with the weeds and the creepy baby doll left out in the yard.
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WASHINGTON, August 27, 2010–Associated Zombie Press: A statement released today by the American Center for Internet Research warns that the web may run out of memes in as little as six years.
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Recently, my BFF and Sean’s sister, Meagan, married another good friend of ours, Doyle. I know they will have a long and happy marriage because 1. They’re great people, 2. They had a superfun wedding, and 3. They have excellent taste in websites *cough*. Happy marriage, kids!
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New town, familiar problems. According to my Google Image search, “college” is 90% buildings, 9.95% girls with low self-esteem in tiny panties, and .05% a family comedy starring the Disney chick from That’s So Raven. Something is seriously wrong with college.
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You don’t think I know about conspiracy theorists? Oh, I know about them. I know ALL about them. I know the things the government doesn’t want you to know. I know the stuff they put on Secret Wikipedia. Read more–if the evil puppet government hasn’t raided your compound already.
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You have a good time partying, and I’ll have a good time judging you. It’s a win-win.
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My good friend and coworker, Andrew, has a really funny website about his life (including some hysterical stories about Boy Scout Camp). He asked me to do an exclusive, and since pretending to be Internet-famous is one of my hobbies, I did. It’s in the Stories section, but while you’re on his website, be sure to check out his stuff, as well.
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This is a true, and pathetic, chronicle of events taking place over the last several months. It’s going to destroy my hard-earned street cred, so you damn well better enjoy reading it.
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Need a pick-me-up for those rainy-day-cliché blues? These tips will pick you up. They will pick you the hell up and throw you across the damn room, they’re so good.
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