Have you ever been so scared you pee'd your pants?
I do it just for the sexual thrill.
Have you ever screamed so loud that you lost your voice?
See above answer.
If you had 5 dollars in your pocket, and that was all you had, what would you spend it on?
50 dimes, and I'd put them in my back pockets, so people would think I had a lumpy, jingly badunkadunk.
Have you ever mistaken a stranger for someone else?
It makes paternity suits more interesting.
Have you ever been inside of a tree house?
I don't think so, unless you count Hobo Billy's Crack Plank.
If you were on a talk show, which would you be on?
The Montel Williams Show, but only so I could meet my idol.
Teach me your ways, Sylvia Browne.
Would you kiss an old man for 300 dollars?
I don't know. If it was my grandpa and some strangely philanthropic old lady said, "be a dear and give your grandpa a little kiss on the cheek, I'll pay you $300," I would (though that's weird!). If some old fart tried to tongue-kiss me I wouldn't. If the strangely philanthropic old lady was really a man trying to tongue kiss me (which is possible; there are some manly old ladies), my head would explode. Tongue-first explosion.
Would you go to Las Vegas to get married?
If you paid me $300.
Would you ever be a stripper?
I don't know, "EVER" is a pretty huge amount of circumstances to cover. What if I was alone in the world, with no family and a baby to support? What if I got a brain tumor that made me want to boogey-oogey-woogey with my ta-ta's out, AND I was alone, AND I needs a new pair of shoes? What then, Survey Master? What then?
Would you ever write a song for someone and sing it in public?
In the third grade, I wrote a song for my cat and sang it at the talent show. Mind you, this was a children’s talent show, performed for an audience full of parents—and only my family clapped. That’s when I realized that adults are assholes.
Have you ever been in a wreck?
I did go to the theater for Fantastic Four, does that count?
Have you ever met someone from the internet?
No. Where are you, Seanbaby?
If you gained 10 pounds, would you be fat or skinny?
I'd still be skinny. Wait, do I get to gain it wherever I want? Like…like brain fat?
If you dyed your hair blue, would you have to face any certain consequences?
CERTAIN DEATH
Are you wanting to tell someone something, but can't?
Are you a good cook?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
What is the best way to tell someone you love them?
While beating them with a rock. Because then they have to stay and listen to all of it.
How many kids do you want?
Do I just get to have them? Because I bet I could sell some. I mean, to the wealthy childless. Unless the kids were ugly, but then, I could sell them for dog food.
Were you named after anyone?
Yes, the Kimberly diamond mines. (Not really, you tard.) But while we're on it, why IS it that rappers wear so much bling, when it comes from the horrific African diamond mines? It's like the Japanese schoolgirls who throw up the peace sign, when the peace sign used to mean V for Victory, as in U.S. victory in WW2.
Except it's worse because Japanese schoolgirls are adorable, and rappers don't match my Hello Kitty notebooks.
Do you wish on stars?
Yes. I find that glowing balls of gas are particularly generous. I also wish on road flares and swamp gas eruptions.
Any bad habits?
"Bad Habits" should so be a movie about a bunch of nuns who go on a crazy cross-country trip to save something or someone, and then they all learn about themselves, and the youngest nun falls in love and gets married by Elvis in a Vegas chapel. And there's a rapping competition. And it's the '80s again.
Are you bisexual?
I enjoy bikes, but not for sexing.
Should you take a nap?
Yes, I love naps! I even lust naps. Spank me harder, naps! Yes! Make me your little nap-bitch!
Do you believe in God?
I believe in rainbows and puppies and the honest tears of a child. I don't know what that last part means, but I believe in it.
Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?
Yeah, and we held hands and ate all the ice cream *giggle!*
Do you download music?
I knew you were behind this survey, Metallica! I told you, I don't know how "Enter the Sandman" showed up on my computer!
Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Played with themselves, but I didn’t request it. It was still special, though.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
That...that would be dangerous.
Have you ever white-water rafted?
Have you ever looked into the eyes of the shark, and then demanded to arm-wrestle that shark before realizing sharks don't have arms, and then torn off that shark's FUCKING HEAD?!
Have you ever crashed a car?
Have you ever crashed A SHARK?
Have you met a real redneck?
Normally I meet the face part first.
Do you wish you looked like someone else?
"Quantum Leap"-era Scott Bakula for a week or so. I'd spend all my time masturbating in front of a mirror. Then my penis would get sore so I'd have to look like me again.
If you thought that was uncomfortable, how about...THIS?!
Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property?
When there are zombies crawling up your ass, a few flamingos on the president's lawn ain't my concern, bitch.
Do you use sarcasm?
Like a delicate knife to rip sweetly into your flesh, your heart's blood dripping softly into my soul. Sorry, I just like making fun of goth kids.
Someone with the same birthday as you?
The twin I ate in the womb.
Are you for or against same sex marriages?
I say, forced same sex marriages for everyone.
Are you homophobic?
Yes, I fear things that are the same. That's why I ate my twin.
What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Well, that's a stupid question. I could say "their eyes" (pah, no) but if they have a large facial boil, or they're delicious and topless, or I can't tell if they are of the opposite sex, then the rules all get broken.
What really turns you on about the opposite sex?
Humor, smarts, large facial boils.
What is your biggest mistake?
I don't make mistakes, I make potentials for spiritual growth.
Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
I like to make potentials for spiritual growth with a razor blade on my face.
Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
Yes. But that shark had it coming.
Should you tell someone you love them?
Oh, okay. I love you, survey guy.
eat her, sharkie! click to go back to BRAINS
