On Oompa-Loompas:
The original song promises, "you can live in happiness too, like the oompa loompas doompedy-do." But the oompa loompas are the dourest, most serious- and depressed-looking fuckers I've ever seen. All they do is work and preach moral lessons. So they're Puritans, except even worse off, because even Puritans had lady Puritans. What the hell? Who wants to be happy like an oompa loompa? I doompedy-don't.
Uh. Wait. No, no, I'll stick with that: doompedy-don't.
On Going to Walgreens Alone:
You'll walk in with your short shopping list in mind--maybe you need some vitamins and a tube of Chap Stik. Then that "I Ain't Missin' You" song comes on. And it doesn't matter if you were happy when you came in; you can be engaged to a beautiful, wealthy, creative genius, who makes all your wildest fantasies come true: you will still succumb to Wal-loneliness. (And yes, fellas, it'd happen to you--please know that I am now picturing this happening to you, and laughing.) Then "Unchained Melody" starts playing, followed by "I Want to Know What Love Is." Pretty soon it doesn't matter--even "Achy Breaky Heart" gets to you.
Then the next thing you know, you're on the floor of the greeting card aisle, bawling your eyes out and eating your second Whitman's Sampler. Clutching a DVD copy of "When Harry Met Sally: The Extra Romance Edition" and a teddy bear with "I Wuv You" stitched on its chest, you start to sing along to the merciless radio: "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too muh--muh--oh, God, whyyy?"
And that's the lone Walgreens experience.
An Open Letter to Ms. Paula Abdul:
I'd like to refresh your memory on your lyrics to "Straight Up," Paula:
Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
I've had occasion to hear this song several times in the last couple of weeks, and I have a slight problem with it. You see, there should really be some option between "just having fun" and "really wanting to love Paula Abdul forever." Most people with those options would choose a third: run from Paula Abdul.
I guess what I want you to know is, you sound like a crazy person.
On Googling "Kimberly is..."
A ridiculous and self-centered game, but I'm ridiculous and self-centered, so it's all right. Granted, no one calls me Kimberly, but...You know what, I don't have to prove anything to you! You know why? Read to the end of the list, jerk-o.
<3 Kimberly is married to Johnny Guerrero (Yaqui and Tarahumara).
<3 Kimberly is not above acting silly with her wee subjects, if that kind of behavior gets the good reactions and results.
<3 Kimberly is both male and female, and through an old man's passion, and the sacrifice of his life, has been able to live on earth and tell this story.
<3 Kimberly is featured on the cover of one of these Worship Tapes titled "Worship for Kids".
<3 Kimberly is a slow moving, white bread, Murdoch lifestyle columnist kind of film.
<3 Kimberly: Is that why you don’t like pickles on chicken?
<3 Kimberly is non-smoking throughout.
<3 "Kimberly is someone who can help us, if she is healthy,” said Walters.
<3 Kimberly IS the most important person in the universe right now.
enjoy the pickles on chicken to go back to BRAINS
