People on the whole are obsessed with getting laid, and individual persons are usually damn near neurotic about it. And one of the special ways we express our collective sex mania is through our penchant for taking advice from strangers--strangers who call themselves "sexperts." Put aside the fact that reading a manual is probably the best way to ruin a good thing. Instead, I simply want you to ask yourself this:
Would you consider sleeping with someone who called themselves a sexpert?
Then why in blue fuck are you trusting their opinion on how to get laid?
Mostly because I am pissed off that I spent my teenage years reading Cosmopolitan magazine, I want to share with you a tiny sample of the stupid sex advice I've read. Trust me when I say that I didn't make any of this stuff up. (I should also mention that this article is aimed toward straight men and women. Not because I'm heterosexist, but mainly because most sex advice is veiled torture on the opposite sex's genitals. I have a feeling that gay men would know it's not a stellar idea to gargle with peppermint schnapps before going downtown.)
And then I'll share some of my own tips and tricks on the subject, because I am benevolent, wise, and irresistable to the opposite sex. Okay, okay, to both sexes. And ghosts.
Idiotic Sex Advice
While going down on him, surprise him by touching his back door.
Cosmopolitan is obsessed with your man's butt hole (and if you're a man, you should feel threatened). Every single month, their "shocking" sex advice is always, "get friendly with his anus." Except they refer to it almost exclusively as his "back door." Their fetishistic fixation indicates to me that the writers of Cosmopolitan are really one of three things: aliens paving the way for massive butt-probing; guerrila feminists trying to strike back at the patriarchy by ramming things in its rectum; or uncreative, vanilla, failed writers whose idea of kink is fur-lined handcuffs and sex dice. But no, that last one's just too crazy.
Shave your pubic hair into interesting shapes (hearts, spades) and then dye it (red, blue, etc.).
There are a kajillion reasons why I want nothing to do with this advice. But I asked Sean anyway, how would he react if a woman did this for him? "Well, I think I would just have a lot of questions. It would kind of interrupt the flow of--" boob-grabbing, dry-humping, and panting that devolves into Wookiee noises.
While riding him reverse-cowgirl style, suddenly lean forward and suck on his big toe.
This just confirms my belief that the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine are criminally insane virgins. Honestly? You want a woman to, mid-thrust, launch herself forward and start sucking on his toe? Not only is that kind of gross, it's a great recipe for "kick to the face" and "broken penis."
Blindfold your lady. During foreplay, make an excuse to leave the room. Put on a pair of disposable gloves, splash on some different cologne, and return quietly. Massage her genitals but don't say a word. She'll think she's with another man!
This one I found while browsing the sex books section. The obvious problem with this advice (besides the fact that it's fucking awful) is that very few women would believe that they were actually getting fingered by a new man. But the woman who would buy it, what is she thinking?: "Hmm...Oh! What is this strange and erotic feeling of...of rubber gloves on my hoo-ha? My goodness! I would have heard if a sexual predator broke into the house and overpowered my lover. So...my lover must have let the dentist in to have his wicked way with me! Oh, the sheer naughtiness. Is that--is that Old Spice I smell? Oh, yes! Take me, Old Spice-wearing dentist!"
Unfortunately for any lady who would tolerate this, there is no chance that her lover would buy this book and read it. This is because he is one of two types of men: a man (a.) who won't double his $20 blowjob investment on a book to help him pleasure a back-alley prostitute, or (b.) who saving up his allowance for the new Grand Theft Auto game.
When Sexperts Attack
Let's say you decide to actually take the advice of Cosmo or Maxim (or the plethora of other "sexperts" who try so hard to be hip). Here's what you can expect from a date:
The Cosmo Date:
Tell him up front that you are a fun, fearless female, then ask him how much money he makes. Concentrate on eating all of your food seductively, but possess no real intention to perform oral sex on him (because you're not really sure how). Suck on his tongue while kissing him--his gagging motions mean that you're doing it right. Back at home, leave the lights on, but turn your porcelain dolls to face the wall. Let him know that your fun, fearless gonorrhea is all taken care of (then wink). Offer to give him head; stick finger in "back door"; apologize.
Now that you're "primed for doing the deed," lie motionless beneath him while uttering Cosmo-approved sex phrases such as, "Ride me, cowboy," and, "Would you touch my love button, big boy?" Also, refer to his genitals exclusively as, "the boys." Soon he will fake an orgasm and withdraw. Call him "Tiger" as you weep uncontrollably.
Once he leaves, you are free to eat brownies and beat off to your porn collection.
The Maxim Date:
Wear your "The Shocker" T-shirt. Suavely propose a threesome when you discover that she has a sister. Show her your Tila Tequila scrapbook. Make Chuck Norris jokes as frequently as possible. Carefully hide your crippling lack of self-esteem and nigh-homoerotic fixation on masculine, successful men. If she makes the mistake of getting naked with you, stick it in her butt--she'll love it.
Once she slaps you in the face and leaves, you are free to eat pizza and beat off to your porn collection.
Zombiekim's Love & Sex Tips
Because I care about your groin, here are some simple and
non-disease-causing sex tips
from your beloved zombie me.
Music: You should only ever need "Stairway to Heaven" for seduction, but for variety, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" is permissible. If your lover tries to touch the stereo, put your genitals on their face.
Nicknames: Food-based are good, such as "honey" or "sugar," as are playfully dimunitive ones like "baby." DO NOT COMBINE. "Sugared baby" and "honey fetus" just don't work.
Chocolate syrup: Don't eat so damn much of it.
Sex coupons: The only thing sexier than reading a tab-A-into-slot-B sex manual, is to turn naked time into a capitalist endeavour. Seriously, do I want to think about saving $.52 on cat food while I'm gettin' it on? Not to mention, shouldn't you kind of just give massages and stuff already? I mean, if your lover has to arm-wrestle you into touching them, then you're probably awful.
That having been said, arm wrestling is excellent foreplay.
Shared Interests: Probably wait until at least the third date before you read
him your Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kama Sutra and sexual positions: Sex book models always share the same dull, pale orange skin tone. If you're fucking your first cousin, doing congress of the cow is not going to solve your problems.
Rose petals, a bath, and champagne: Will make you go to sleep. Which, if this is really your fantasy, is all you really want to do, anyway.
Furries: Don't let them talk you into it. Punch them in the suit-hole and run.
Phone Sex: This may be a great option for you, if you:
--enjoy masturbating but not privacy
--fantasize about solving complicated word problems while someone pants in your ear
--just don't feel connected enough to your phone, even after filling out those "What color underwear is your ringtone wearing?" surveys
--are too unattractive for real sex, but find your keyboard too
impersonal
--get paid $3.95 per minute to do it
--hate yourself
Seanotron's Sex Tip: "Feet are not sexy. Don't suck on toes. Sometimes they're gross." As much as I don't want people to think he's talking about us in any way, I did post that Wookiee-noises thing about him. We're even.
Don't know how to get that one special person to look your way? Then you need my Ultimate Hot Tips!:
If you are a gentlemen, quote me extensively ("torn off that shark's FUCKING HEAD" is good; "Christ-like hoo-ha's" is a more controversial choice), but DO NOT try to pretend that you know me. If you do know me, hide this fact. Any woman would be too intimidated to, as she would see it, compete with me for your affections.
And if she actually would be competing with me, then why are you trying to pick up chicks, SEAN?
If you are a lady, DO mention that you know me, and make it up if you must. He will initially be eager to date you in order to get closer to, well, you know, me. Once you feel that he's more interested in you than he is in possibly meeting me (you must be patient--this may take months), then you can tell the truth. It's a risky tactic, but over 99% effective in securing the first several dates.
Remember, the best way to thank me for my advice would be to never tell me anything about your sex life.
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