Sarah was a cheerleader on the team and had everything she ever wanted. And right away we know we've hit comedy gold. Until one day... her life crashed. Into a schoolbus full of orphans.
Mom: Wake up honey. Michael's downstairs waiting for you. I'll refrain from commenting on each individual spelling/grammatical/punctuation mistake, but just know that my blood is boiling like an overripe cliche.
Sarah: Oh my gosh. I woke up too late! I still need a shower and everything!
Right when she said that Michael walked into her room smiling from ear to ear. Did anyone else get the image of his head splitting open and the top part flopping backward?
Michael: No baby. You're beautiful just like that- now come on, I'm starving.
Sarah: Okay.
Sarah got out of bed, put on some clothes, took his hand, and walked out the door to his car and got in. What delicate scene-setting. Walked out the door to his car and got in. Masterful. Also, was she sleeping naked? If so, that explains why Michael thought she was beautiful.
Sarah: Where are we going? Remember that I have to be home by 1. I have cheerleading practice and you have football.
Michael: I know..
Then Sarah noticed that Michael was really pale-looking. He wasn't pale, mind you, but really pale-looking. Maybe...maybe she noticed he wasn't driving, but was pale-looking, as in some fruity metaphor for looking about wistfully? "He pale-looked across the moors toward a manly figure in the mists. Ah, Heathcliff."
Sarah: Michael are you feeling okay? You look like you're sick..
Michael: Yeah; it's just my allergies. Aw, hells no. You did not just abuse a semicolon. They don't deserve it! They are cuddly, like jollier j's!
Sarah: Are you sure? Did you go to the doctor yet?
Michael: Yeah.. I went yesterday. They just said to take some allergy pills and that I'll be okay.
Sarah turned to look away from Michael.
She knew there was something wrong.
She has allergies and she doesn't look like that. Of course, very few people look exactly like Sarah, on account of the extra fingers, severe facial tics, and constant drooling.
Then he reached out and held her hand. "I don't mind your extra fingers, sweetheart. And I think webbed toes are sexy."
Sarah: Michael your hands are so cold. I dont think you're okay tell me what's really wrong.. do we need to go back to the house?
Michael: I promise you baby; You like baby? I promise you baby! Very cheap! everything is okay..Except I don't know how to use ellipses. they told me to go back tomorrow but I'm not going because there's nothing wrong with me.
Sarah: Michael you need to go! If they told you to then there is something wrong!
Michael let go of her hand and turned back to the road and didn't talk to her the rest of the way.
Sarah just looked at him, while secretly thinking of new ways to punish innocent punctuation. Nipple clamps for the quotation marks. Hot wax for the parentheses.
They finally pullled up to the resturaunt and ate breakfast.
Later, at the field...
They got out and started practice.
Sarah was practicing a new cheer, but then out of no where she heard a boy yell,
"HE'S NOT MOVING SOMEONE CALL 911! HELP COACH!" Help Coach! Help Coach escape even the briefest mention in this melodramatic horse shit!
Right when she heard that she turned around and saw Michael on the ground just laying there, not moving.
She ran to him but her dad pushed her back. What? With all the emphasis on "see dick run, see jane run, see dick and jane walk out of the door and to the car and get into the car" you might think we'd know how the father got here. Did he float, like a ghost? That's what I think. I think that Sarah's dad is Ghost Dad.
Dad: No honey. You shouldn't be right here. You should be right there. Yes. Stand inside of Ghost Dad, oh, yes...
Sarah started to cry.
Sarah: Daddy. What happened? Is he okay?
Dad: Honey. Please just go back with your coach.
Sarah walked back and sat on the bench with her head in her hands while an ambulance came and took him away. Took away...her GHOST DAD?!
She got in the car with her dad and they went to the hospital.
When they got there his mom Grandma? You're alive! was already there and talking to the doctor.
They walked over and listened...
Doctor: You may want to sit down for this.
Michaels Mom: Is he okay?
Doctor: Ma'am.. your son has lukiemia. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! That's right, world. The dramatic scene has arrived. Michael has...lukiemia. We can put him on treatments, but he might not make it because the cancer has already spread too much.
Sarah was shocked and began to cry on here dads shoulder.
Michaels Mom: Treatments? I share your trepidation, Michaels Mom. If my son's doctor said he had lukiemia and then proposed "treatments," I'd question his expertise, too.
Doctor: Well the treatments would cause hair loss... but it will help slow the cancer down. Oh holy fuck. HAHAHHAHAHAA!! You're going to write a story about cancer--and obviously this girl put like an hour or more into this damn thing--and all you know about cancer is that some cancer treatments cause hair loss? You can't even wiki it? That's actually kind of sad.
Michaels Mom: But he's certain to die?
Doctor: Yes.. NO!!! but we have had this surgery to clear out the clogs..
but it's possible that he will not make it.
Michaels Mom: I will have to talk to him about this. Can we see him now?
Doctor: Yes. One at a time though.
Michaels mom looked over at Sarah and hugged her tight she Eww, she hugged Sarah's "tight she"? knew that Sarah loved him with all her heart.
Michaels Mom: You go first sweetheart.
Sarah: Are you sure?
Michael's Mom: Yes honey. Is it just me or is there a little something creepily sexual about all this encouragement for Sarah to go "see" Michael first?
Sarah walked slowly to his room and turned the knob.
She just stood there, looking at him lying there weak.
He was so pale and he had tubes surrounding him."We've got you now, fucker!" the tubes shouted as they lunged for his throat.
It was painful for her to look at him. The tubes...oh, the tubes.
Michael: Did they already tell you?
Sarah: Yes...
Michael: I'm sorry Sarah. I didn't want you to find out like this.
Sarah: It's okay; I understand Michael. Hehe, she understands Michael.
Michael: Baby I love you so much.
Michael reached up and slowly ran his fingers through her hair.
Sarah: I love you too Michael. With all my heart.. and I will be here for you 'till the end.
Michael: Im going to be okay Sarah. Is it just me, or does he sound kind of horrified? I know I would be. First my doctor says I'm definitely going to die, then my girlfriend's first words to me are basically, "sucks that you're dying, huh?" For the first time ever, I feel sorry for a fictional character from a schlocky Internet forward--but not at all for the reason I'm supposed to.
The nurse walked in with Michaels mom.
Nurse: Its her turn now. Ahh, she sounds creepy and psychotic. It puts the lotion on its skin--
Michael looked at Sarah.
Michael: Bye baby.
Sarah: Bye. Touching!
Sarah kneeled down and softly kissed his cold lips. "Get off me, bitch!" they cried, scuttling out of the hospital room while they still could. It was too late for Michael's cold testes.
Months went by and Michael lost his hair, but they were still deeply in love He and his hair were still deeply in love, and always would be. He wept each night, and cried out through his lipless mouth, "Hair! Hair! Please come home to me." But he had betrayed his hair, and she would not return, in spite of their deep love. and Sarah was by him everyday.
Michael was getting worse to where he couldn't even play football, and the championship game was coming up. Christ on a cracker. I want the kid to live just because this is bad medical fiction. I mean, one day he passes out, then months and months pass while he is "certain to die," and the only problem is that he can't play football? LIVE, Michael!
Michael was sitting on Sarah's porch with her and her dad.
Michael: Coach.. I wanna play tomorrow. Great, now he's delusional, too? Ghost Dad isn't your coach, Michael.
Dad: Michael I know you do.. but I can't let you do that.. you'll get hurt. But then again, you are DYING, Michael. Don't forget.
Michael: No, coach. Please. This might be the last time on the field for me. I want to be able to play one more time.
Dad looked at Michael and then at Sarah.
Sarah nodded her head. Ew, creepy again.
Dad: You're a strong boy, Michael, and very brave. I think we can do this.
Michael: Thank you so much coach.
Sarahs dad nodded his head. "Coach, please stop touching me."
Dad: So what are you two doing tonight?
Michael: I wanna show Sarah something if that's okay. I like to do a wiggle-dance with it. In the mornings it jumps up and says hello!
Dad: Of course; you two be careful. Because you're dying. Don't forget, Michael. You're dying. No rough sex tonight.
Michael took Sarah's hand and lead her to his car.
It was completely dark outside when they pulled up to the football field.
Michael grabbed a blanket and laid it down onto the field.
They both laid there looking at the stars.
Sarah: This is so beautiful.
Michael: I do this often. I wanted to show you the place I love.
Sarah: Do you remember the flowers you gave me on our very first date?
Michael: Sure I do; I gave you lillies; your favorite. Kill her; kill her now; kill her with lukiemia clogs.
Sarah: Yeah... I'll never forget that day.
Michael: I want you to always remember something Sarah.
Sarah: What is it?
Michael: I will always be with you.. and I will always love you.. you're my one and only.. Not by choice, really, but who else is going to bang a lipless, hairless freak?
Sarah started tearing. The lukiemia clogs had torn through Michael's chest and were tearing her limb from limb. It was a bloody, merciless death.
Sarah: I love you so much, Michael.
Michael: And I also want you to be happy.. I want you to marry someone, have kids, make a family, just live a happy life for me.
Sarah: Oh, did I forget to tell you? I'm a lesbian. Sorry. I like the poontang. No. I will never marry anyone.. im marrying you Michael even though we can't stop reminding you that you're dying.
Michael: Just don't forget what I told you. Wait, what did he tell her?
Michael leaned in and kissed her.
She pushed him off and jumped up
Sarah: You still think you can catch me? Because you're dying, you know, so you're weak and sickly?
Michael: Oh yeah. I'm stronger than I look.
Sarah: Then come get me. Teehee! I love the date rape game!
Michael stood up and chaised her around the football feild until he finally caught her.
He laid on top of her and put her hands behind her back and held her there so she couldn't move.
Then it started to rain and they were getting soaked but they didn't care. Because it's really romantic to be crushed between a football player and your own arms as you slowly sink into a muddy football field.
Michael looked deep into her eyes. Or at least, into the eye sockets, now filled with delicious, maggot-like clogs.
Michael: Who's the weak one now huh?
Sarah: Me (she giggled)
Michael: Remember what you told me that night when we were at dinner? You know, that one night, when we were at dinner, at that place?
Sarah: No.. what?
Michael: You have always wanted to kiss in the rain with the one you love.
Sarah: Yeah?
Michael: Well your wish is my comand.
Michael leaned down and kissed her deeply.
He pulled away. "You know," he said, "that sucked." "Grrgell," said zombie clogs Sarah.
Michael: You're so beautiful.
Sarah: You're such a good kisser. (she laughed.. so did he) They laughed because everyone knows cancer patients can't kiss. As they laughed, the clogs dribbled out of his mouth into a slimy pool on her face. "Michael, you're so silllghhfhh."
Michael: I better get you home. Apparently cancer patients don't get blue balls.
They got into the car and went home. Nice to see they carried through on that. I hate it when foreshadowing leads nowhere.
It was finally the big day and they were all at the football field.
Michael had on all his football gear, and Sarah was ready to cheer him on.
The game began. Know what? I fucking hate you.
The crowd was going wild for Michael while Sarah was cheering her heart out for him.
The score was 36 to 36.
All they had to do was make one more point and they would win.
Michael had the ball and ran with all he had to the touchdown line and threw the ball down. Who's going to tackle the kid who's dying of cancer, anyway? That would make you the biggest douchebag ever.
He had made a touch down!
Everyone was cheering.
They had won the game! Are we suddenly in a children's book? "The big day came. Little Bear won the race! Everyone was cheering. They had won the big race!"
But for Michael.. he may have lost his life. But then again, he may not have. If he lost his life, turn to page 81. If he didn't lose his life, turn to page 42.
He fell to the ground trying to catch his breath.
Sarah ran to him and kneeled down over him.
He looked up at her gasping for breath.
Everyone was heading to field.
Her dad stood infront of them.
Dad: Back away.. give them a moment please.. That's my daughter's love. No, no, stay back, paramedics. That's the boy that deflowered my daughter. Please, let him die in a dramatic way.
Michael gently raised his hand and whiped her tears away.
So gentle.
Sarah: Don't die Michael.. I need you.. I love you..
Michael: I told you this was my dream to win the championship.. to be in the big game.. to die on this feild.. I made history. No, sorry. You really didn't.
Sarah leaned down and kissed him, knowing this was the last she would ever kiss him, the last time she would ever talk to him. Then she remembered: necrophilia! She could make sweet love to him at least for a another few weeks, and she could always wiggle his jaw up and down and pretend he was talking to her. She felt better! Everyone was cheering.
She had so much to say but had no time to say it.
Michael: I love you baby. Tell Mom I love her too.. and tell coach thank you.
Sarah: I love you Michael. I love you so much. Please stop talking about your mother.
Michael: I'll wait for you..... MWAHAHAHHA!! Die fast, baby, so we can be together.
Michael's hand dropped and he let go.
He died that night on the football feild.
Sarah cried for 2 months straight. Then she died of malnutrition. The end.
Sarah was lying on her bed when her dad walked in.
Dad: Honey, it's been 2 months. Please get up. You're covered in sores and I'm tired of changing your bed pan. He would want you to have fun and be happy.
Sarah: I know..
Dad: Guess what.
Sarah: What?
Dad: They are building a new stadium. Isn't that great honey? It's delicious honey. Come on, I want you to come with me before they tear the old one down.
Sarah got up and went with her dad to the field.
They climbed to the top of the bleachers and looked down. A bulldozer came by and tore down the bleachers. What the hell? What would they even be building for a "stadium" besides new bleachers, anyway? It's high school football.
Sarah: It's like it was just yesterday. He was out there throwing the football, making that touchdown.
Her dad wrapped his arms around her and she began to cry.
Dad: I know baby. I know lots of babies. I promise you baby!
Then Sarah noticed something on the feild.
Sarah: Whats that daddy? Look. (Sarah pointed to the field) (Kim shot herself)
Dad: Look like some flowers are blooming.
Sarah: Oh my gosh, daddy! Stop them! Don't let them tear this down! Please! Michael planted me something.
Her dad ran down there and stopped them.
Weeks later the flowers had bloomed. I guess we should assume he stopped them by...I don't know, threw his body under the bulldozers, leaving his bloody corpse and a shitload of legal red-tape? Used his gigantic mega-cock to knock all the machinery out of the stadium? I mean, contractors don't usually stop working for weeks at a time because some mutant and her Ghost Dad knew someone who died of lukiemia.
Her and her dad went to look at them.
They were lillies that left a message saying, "I Love You".
If you have any heart at all and love someone this much repost this.
(OR if you cried)
I've just proven that I have a heart. And, because surely someone must have cried after reading this, I've proven that I'm better than another person in this big, beautiful world of ours.
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