Ladies, Read This

--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. Sir Douchebaggingham always comes "courting" with a blossom in his bouttoniere. I mean, really--courting?

--Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway. Ah, and now we begin with the author's treasure trove of wisdom. Tell me more of this...this lunch money. Oh, yes, tell me about his lunch money. Uh! Uh! Pencil boxes! JV football! Oh lunch money me harder!

--Girls are guys' weaknesses. Unless they're gay. Like you.

--Guys are very open about themselves. Bruhuh? This part has to be a joke. And only I may mock teenagers!

--It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long. This is a confusing mix of euphemisms and titty-teases. I can only assume this means "test him for HIV."
Note also the mainstay of all bulletins relating to teenage relationships: the girl doesn't want it. Let me tell you something, when I was sixteen, Spongebob could've made me horny. Just look at that nose.

--Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. A horrendous mish-mash of syntax errors and Confucious-say...and yet a moderately correctly-used "whom"?

--If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.. I thought that the point of this bulletin is, "Everything a guy does that seems mysterious/shy/emotional/constipated means that he's in love with you"? So if I guy is opening up to me, shouldn't I always give this advice: "Love me and let's commit suicide together as a convenient plot device"?

--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. A usual act. Doesn't that sound weirdly, I don't know, like a bad erotica title? And besides, Al taught us this on "Quantum Leap" fifteen years ago. We don't need your petty rehashings of Al-wisdoms.

--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships. I like this for a lot of reasons, the main one being that it implies I am having multiple, possibly simultaneous relationships in which all men love me more than I love them. I'm a cheap tart.

--Guys will brag about anything. Okay, this is kind of true. In tenth grade I heard a guy brag, quite seriously, about the heroics involved in jamming a fork into a light socket during a power outtage.

--Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot. Oh, good. "We'll call you a slut until you're attractive enough for us to date." This was either written by a melodramatic guy, or a resentful girl.

--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. I went in search of a funny image to post in response to that, but instead I have an open letter to share:
Dear Internet,
I didn't want to know about snotgirls.com.

--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused. I like the idea that men have a hive-mind. Take that, Dr. Phil! What do you know?

--Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships. This is because men don't have hands.

--Try to be as straightforward as possible. I tried this, but it's hard to be straightforward with a mouth full of cock.
You know, I tried really hard to make that a joke that made sense. Mostly I just called myself a cumslut.

--A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up. Does "plsh takhhe your ck ouwa my mouw" work as rejection? Zing! Blowjob jokes.

--If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

--No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key. Yeah, so don't be such a fuckin' tease.

--Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience. AHHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAA! Oh, no, our secret is exposed. Everything we know about love, we've learned from, "The Italian Billionaire's Virgin Mistress."

--Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped. I worry about the thin line between being whipped and being able to sit down the next day, so keep your problems to yourself.

--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you. Thus you should leave your boyfriend for your friend, because it's twue wuv.

--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something. "Was that her or the dog?"

--Guys like femininity not feebleness. Well, some guys like to get sloshed with peanut butter and Spaghetti-O's, but we can't all get what we want, can we?

--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do. So make sure your muscles are soft, flabby, and rapeable.

--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. Not if he looks like you! Zing!

--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily. Maybe I'm being a snob toward these guys because they sound like insecure needy asshole wimps?

--Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much. As much as I hate cake-face, I hate it even more when anonymous pricks tell me to put on makeup.

Which reminds me: "Don't screw around with adults, you little prick."

--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys. You should trust the author here; he/she's done a study.

--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more. I thought they had to be rejected to mature?

--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them. Because guys are normal and rational and predictable. Oh, and, if they don't like it they can quite literally go suck a cock.

--A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day. She'd probably be thinking, "Holy shit, there goes that guy who only has one testicle. How mysterious and dreeaamy."

--Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us. It does if your entire bulletin is based on generalizing guys, and you are generalizing them as stoic needy insecure needy assholes.

--We don't like girls who are too skinny. Mold your body image to our desires! Bet you never thought of that, did you?

--We love it when girls talk about their boobs. Wanna hear about lactating?

--Always make sure you know what kind of stuff you're getting into before making out with a guy ...like whether it's a one time deal or not ... The relationship is your responsibility entirely, ladies.
That having been said, do make sure he has no aggressive mouth sores.

--Believe it or not shy guys are the easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticably tell them about yours...
I'll try to tell them about my life as "unoticably" as possible. And next time I won't forget to bring his slippers.

--When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually. Yeah. Or maybe you have a really big, unavoidable butt.

--Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.. Unless they're paralyzed from the neck down. Go tickle Dr. Hawking and see how fucking cute he thinks you are.

--Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it...it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts... Yeah, well, "hitting" me on the butt is not the quickest way to a neck rub.

--Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times. So far, all I've learned from this list is how to spot a self-hating he/she.

--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible. When it rains in Spain it falls mainly on your freakish cooch-cock-organ, he/she.

--If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside. Or he's about to MURDER.

--When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. Maybe he really is crazy, and about to MURDER.

--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me." If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

"I just want you to love me!"

click Johnny's head to go back to BRAINS