Usually, fanfiction completely disregards the source material and, you know, has Harry Potter knock up Professor Snape with butt-babies. But on the other hand, bad fanfic is a never-ending source of delight.
With this contradiction in hand, I went to fanfiction.net to find some hilariously bad stories. Specifically, bad stories that were rated M for Mature. A lot of fanfics are written just because people want to see characters do it--which can be okay, or it can be the kind of thing that should involve federal statutes and social services.
Here are several TV shows that have fanfics written about them, wherein characters who would/should never have sex, do. Mostly I picked these shows because I have seen them; I'm sure there's plenty of nasty West Wing fic, too, but I can't say I'm bothered by it in quite the same way that I'm troubled by Power Rangers slash. Some tainted TV shows, in no order:
---7th Heaven: this makes the list for obvious reasons--the same people who enjoy a terrible, ultra-Christian, sitcom nightmare with family values, are people who want to read romantic stories about incest. (Actually, that's kind of awesome.) But I also included it because the second "mature" hit had this summary: "Crossover with 7th Heaven, Strong Medicine, Walker, Texas Ranger, Trixie Belden Books, ER."
---Boy Meets World: Cory and Eric do it. Incest is always bad. Also, vampires. Cory and Shawn as gay vampires. My capacity for speech escapes me.
---Frasier: I was disappointed that there was no educated-yet-morally-degenerate Niles/Frasier incest slash for me to laugh at on fanfiction.net. However, it goes on this list for the following story summary: "I wrote this story because I always wondered what a female Frasier would act like, so I decided to find out and write this." Who thinks like that?
---Laverne and Shirley: Slash and foursome fics? I...if...but...
The world cannot tolerate this.
Don’t even get me started on cartoons. I peeked into the cartoon section, and found that if it's on the site at all, someone's turned it into pornography. The South Park boys are fucking. Zim and Dib are fucking. Helga and Arnold of Hey Arnold! (who is a vampire) are fucking. If that didn't melt your brain, let me repeat: vampire Arnold. The Powerpuff Girls get raped by the Rowdyruff Boys. Rod and Todd Flanders--well.
And then there's Naruto, an anime that is overwhelming popular with preteen boys and, apparently, poor spellers who are orgy-fixated.
---Malcolm in the Middle and Home Improvement: both have brotherly incest. Ga-ah. But I will say I enjoy that one of the "Malcolm" stories is described as, "Reese falls into the dark world of anorexia, and falls in love with one who is forbidden." That's comedy gold.
---That 70s Show: "Hyde gets raped and it's Eric's turn to be the protector. EricHyde SLASH!"
---Quantum Leap: no. No. No. No. This does not compute. NO! Al and Sam are best friends. They are just—nooo.
How dare they make dirty "Q.L." fanfic? Not only did someone write a story wherein Sam and Al screw the men of The A-Team (I'm telling you, fangirls are dangerous, and not in a shark-punching-zombie-killing way like me), but there is also plenty of Al/ Sam slash. I now have the image of...No. I don't even have words. If there was a stronger word for "no," I'd use it. Like a picture of a someone punching a shark in the shape of the word "no."
As much as it hurts me to do this, I have to show you what I mean:
"Al, I love you," I whispered softly. He looked up at me. "Really, Sam?" Instead of answering him with words, I kissed him. It took him a couple seconds to respond, but that kiss was mind-blowing! Once I regained the ability to think straight, I realized that one taste of Al would never be enough."
As a side note, why are people still writing fics about shows like Doogie Howser, M.D.; Step By Step; Saved by the Bell; Growing Pains; and Bill Nye the Science Guy? Or Quantum Leap. Y'all need to back the fuck off Sam and Al. I...Oh, great, now I'm weeping again.
Ah, well. I leave you with this, the piece de resistance of our very brief journey through fanfic. I was a little too horrified to make many jokes, but I hope you enjoyed it in a monstrous-porn or zit-popping-grossed-out kind of way. (I'm such a classy lady.)
Will one taste of this image be enough for you?
click it to go back to BRAINS. click it harder.
