It's hard enough making it day by day--should I go to work, or stay home eating Oreos and watching a Law and Order marathon?--without having to think further into the future. Like, really further. After-life further.
And religion is no help. Not one religious leader has ever been able to give me a definitive answer as to what happens to my soul when my body becomes reanimated by 2-4-5 Trioxin and starts eating brains. Am I responsible for that? I don't know, and religion can't--or won't--tell me. I certainly can't trust science, either; who do you think is responsible for the zombies in the first place?
Where does one look, then, to see just what the afterlife might hold? Well, for me, the answer is clear: '80s comedies. They've taught me everything I know, and friends, today I'm going to share that knowledge with you. Why? Because I, the High Holy and All-Snarking Prophet of the First International Church of the 1980s, care. On this spiritual journey, I'll explain what will happen to you when you die, '80s-movies style. I'll tell you what might be good about it, and what might not be so good. And then I will leave it to you, brothers and sisters, to choose your own John Hughes-tinted afterlife.
Ghostbusters (1984): "They're here to save the world."
Being a Ghostbuster means shooting stuff, shacking up with Sigourney Weaver, and driving ECTO-1--pretty sweet, yeah? But if you're a Ghostbusters ghoul, then your existence is a lot like being back in high school: you're dirty, misunderstood, and antisocial, and your only fun comes from playing childish pranks. Of course, Ghostbusters can’t really be like high school until there is a Very Special Episode where Rick Moranis ends up teen-pregnant. And believe me, I’m waiting.
As for your post-corporeal self, there don't seem to be any rules governing your ghostly form—will you come back as green Slimer, or as the ethereal floating chick who blows Dan Akroyd? The choice is yours. Or so you'd hope.
The Hook: Who doesn’t secretly answer “Ghostbusters!” anytime someone asks who ya gonna call? Okay, I guess I answer it out loud. And sometimes it goes more like this:
Kim: Who ya gonna call?
Friend: What? I'm not even near a phone.
Kim: Ghostbusters!
Friend: ...Are you okay?
Kim: I ain't afraid of no ghosts!
The Catch: As a ghost, you are bound to get 'busted. And I, for one, do not want Harold Ramis to 'bust me.
Now, you might be saying, “I have super ghost powers! I think I can take on four nerds in jumpsuits.” You are of course forgetting that these nerds are packing heat—in the form of LASERS. And science has proven that, while no one knows what a laser gun actually is, it is still the most lethal form of anything. The powers of the undead can’t stop lasers; the powers of love and kindness can’t stop lasers; not even the Care Bears can stop lasers (actually, maybe especially not the Care Bears).
Still not afraid? Let me remind you that when you take on the Ghostbusters, you also take on Bill Murray. And sometimes, Bill Murray’s acerbic wit burns the worst of all.
(But still not worse than lasers.)
Weekend at Bernie’s (1989): "He may be dead, but he’s the life of the party!"
The ultimate in corpse comedy. When their embezzling boss is murdered, Larry and Richard decide, hey, that’s no excuse not to have a good time! W@B is a light-hearted romp, where one yuppie finds love, and one corpse finds himself in some zaaany situations!
This is the kind of beach party movie you get when people’s brains are fried by thirty years of Cold War. Just wait. When we’re still in the War on Terror ten years from now, some genius at Disney is going to come up with Lil’ Weekend at Bernie’s: Dead Kittiez and Puppiez.
The Hook: W@B is the PETA of corpse rights. Sure, you have to be brutally murdered, but you still get to have sex and go water skiing! And wear a Hawaiian shirt. I don't even get to do that now, and I'm alive.
The Catch: You wouldn’t want to have sex with the kind of person who doesn't notice she's fucking a dead executive. Imagine the smell: feces, hours-old rotting flesh, and Drakkar Noir.
Besides, if I’m going to get to spend the weekend having wacky misadventures with Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy—fingers crossed!—then I don’t want to do it as a cadaver. They already responded "No" to my "Do you want to come to my slumber party? Circle Yes or No. Don't write Maybe." note; if I show up dead to their party, they'll really never think I'm cool.
The Lost Boys (1987): "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."
When the Emerson family moves from Arizona to thinly-disguised Santa Cruz, California, they stumble into a nest of rowdy teenage vampires. The Lost Boys is not for the faint of heart, combining the powers of Kiefer Sutherland, Coreys Haim and Feldman, and that one sweaty sax player.
The Hook: As an LB vampire, your job is to drink, ride motorcycles, and murder people. Rock on. Sure, you have to dress kind of like a Motorhead fan and grow your hair into an in-your-face, anti-authority mullet, but as I said, these are not prissy bloodsuckers.
And if you’re a lady LB vampire, then you also have to bang evil Kiefer Sutherland while avoiding the temptations of Corey Haim’s pretty-boy older brother. That sentence should have broken your "duh" reflex; if it didn't, then this is not the afterlife for you. More evil Kiefer for me.
The Catch: It might be a downer to murder people and suck their blood, but I think sociopathic vampire Kiefer could peer pressure you into it pretty easily (come on, even real-life Kiefer could do it. That's--that's not so good that I said that, is it?). Your real problem would be resisting the urge to question his hair choices. Remember, it may look cool, but the fumes of bleach and hair gel alone would be worse than drinking blood. And just imagine touching it...the pointiness...the crinkly noise...
Beetlejuice (1988): "Say it once. Say it twice. But we dare you to say it THREE times."
In Beetlejuice, a recently-deceased married couple hires ghoulish Michael Keaton (as Beetlejuice, not as, you know, ghoulish Michael Keaton) to exorcise their country home of the new owners, the Deetzes. In a creepy twist, however, Beetlejuice tries to forcefully marry the Deetzes' teenage daughter, Lydia (Winona Ryder). Thanks for that horrifying mental picture, Michael Keaton, but can you go back to playing Mr. Mom? At least then you weren't a pedophile.
The Hook: I asked Sean if he'd seen Beetlejuice, and when he said yes, I asked, "What would you say are the pros and cons of being dead in that movie? Would you say that 'hanging out with Beetlejuice' would be a pro? Because he's funny, you know. I mean, he's creepy, but he's funny. Sean? Well. Okay, I'll just go work on that, then."
Also, did anyone else grow up watching the Beetlejuice cartoon? I loved it, but as an adult I question how Beetlejuice went from being Lydia Deetz's shotgun-wedding-possible-rapist to her lovable-prankster-buddy.
The Catch: The Beetlejuice dead have to avoid sand worms and navigate a Social Services-like bureaucracy. I'm not sure which is worse. Also, in 1990, Tim Burton started work on a sequel, Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, wherein the titular hero saves the day by winning a surfing contest. Yep.
High Spirits (1988): “He’s an American. She’s a ghost. Vacation romances are always a hassle.”
A somewhat lesser-known ‘80s movie, High Spirits deserves a spot on this list if for no other reason than that it stars Steve Guttenberg. To draw in clients, Peter O'Toole starts billing his run-down Irish castle as the most haunted place in Europe...and it turns out he’s right! Shenanigans ensue. Actually, it is quite funny, with memorable minor parts (including Peter Gallagher as a sexually tempted priest and Liam Neeson as a horny ghost—uh, no relation).
The Hook: Steve “The Gute” Guttenberg hooks up with the ghost of Darryl Hannah--and yeah, it’s pretty safe to say she’d have to be dead before that would really happen--and they get it on via “skelping.” Skelping is a "nasty" and presumably chafe-free process that involves your ghostly lover walking through your body. I think this is the kind of afterlife Quantum Leap's Al, the invisible pervert, would want. And you’d do worse than to follow his footsteps--that’s why I wear shiny jackets and tiny-sunglasses lapel pins everywhere I go. Skelping it is!
The Catch: Steve Guttenberg.
And a few movies that would benefit from that dead-person magic:
The Breakfast Club: Sure, you can accuse me of shamelessly throwing in TBC just to mention Judd Nelson’s hair. You would be right. But what if, just what if, Anthony Michael Hall had actually killed himself with that flare gun in his locker? The movie would be exactly the same, until we reach that memorable voiceover at the very end: "But what we have found is that each one of us is...an athlete...a basket case...a princess...a criminal...and a ghost." And then right before the screen fades to black, this:
Are you crying yet? That's what you call Oscar gold.
Pretty in Pink: I think we can all agree that Duckie should’ve eaten Andie and Blane’s brains. As…as a zombie. Not as a regular dude.
Weird Science: Wyatt's big brother, Chet, should have died. Just because he was a jerk. Oh, and, they should have killed off Lisa (Kelly LeBrock), too. I know, I know, she was one of the heroes, but...It would be a funnier movie without her. Right? Right? Okay, I can't give you a good reason, I just--no! Don't look in my seventh grade Trapper Keeper!
(Yeah. I'm asking you to disregard the fact that I was in the seventh grade more than a decade after this movie came out. It's called comedy, wiseass.)
Weekend at Bernie's 3: You want more '80s death comedy? All right, let's go balls to the wall. Bernie's still having wild adventures, except he also has a long-lost twin, also dead, but evil, named...Mernie. And yeah, I'll go there, let's do Lil' Weekend at Bernie's: Dead Kittiez and Puppiez as a Saturday morning cartoon. They'll be adorable animal corpses who will "talk" through some kind of undead Disney-animal telepathy.
You know what else, fuck it--you know where Weekend at Bernie's 3 takes place? Hawaii. Bernie, Larry, and Richard have to defeat Mernie in a surfing contest, or else zombies will rise from their graves, Molly Ringwald won't get to go to prom, and the core of the earth will stop spinning.
What do you think of that, America? Is that too intellectual for you? Did I blow your mind? Tough! What are you going to do about it, huh?
Who ya gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
click for salvaaation, my children! the power of the High Holy Prophet Zombie Kim compels you!
