Turn that Frown Upside-Down! :)

Studies show that when life gets you down, the best thing you can do is read a numbered list of mood-boosting ideas from the Internet. It's true! Here, the zombiekim.com team of joy experts (or "joyspurts," as we call them) has come up with the top 20 tips for beating the blues. Cheer up, kiddo!

1. Draw a beautiful unicorn.
   
   
2. Take a few deep, relaxing breaths. Into a paper bag. Filled with glue.
   
   
3. Put on something fancy that you haven’t worn since that special someone noticed you in it. Remember when they stopped returning your phone calls, and told you they just felt sorry for you when they groped you in that bar bathroom. Take off your fancy clothes. Weep naked.
   
   
4. Watch a movie you loved as a child, such as Old Yeller, The Lion King, or Bambi. Oh, Mufasa, why did you have to die? Why?
   
   
5. Reconnect with friends! Fellas, it’s time for beers and darts with the boys, and ladies, enjoy a cocktail with the girls. This works even better if your biggest problem is that you’re a closeted homosexual.
   
   
6. Hire a prostitute.
   
   
7. Nature is incredibly soothing, so go for a nice nature walk. I mean, not in your neighborhood, because your neighborhood is just a Wal-Mart, an Applebee's, and tract housing built in the '70s. Actually, why don’t you just turn on the Discovery Channel and wa—oh, right, you only have basic cable. And you say your fish died? Hmm. Do you maybe have a neighbor who owns a houseplant?
   
   
8. Call an old friend. Listen to them complain about how you never call them anymore. Remember why.
   
   
9. Think of someone whose life is worse than yours: a homeless man, perhaps, or a disadvantaged child in a developing nation. Imagine how much they would like to be eating that sandwich you’re enjoying, and sitting in your nice, comfy chair. Smile to yourself as you picture the devastated, lonely look on the face of someone less fortunate. Yes, it feels good.
   
   
10. Blast Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” through your headphones. Hell, no! Fight the man! We’re not going to take it! Well, we are, but that song still rules.
    
    
11. Take a bath, with candles and soothing music. I’m sure that never occurred to you before.
    
    
12. Put on your handmade silk bathrobe, enjoy a champagne and caviar breakfast served to you by one of Hollywood’s tastiest young stars, and peruse the latest of the many, many comments on your incredibly famous and lucrative humor site. Oh, you don’t have an incredibly famous humor site? Pity.
    
    
13. Volunteer with the elderly, or explore your community’s museums and historical points of interest. The rest of us will be over here, getting laid.
    
    
14. Don’t beat up on yourself. Or do. There are diverse reasons why self-flagellation may improve your mood: a sense of cleansing one’s sins, a chemical reaction in your brain, or even the simple relief of finally going whole hog into your freaky-ass pervertedness. You nasty-ass.
    
    
15. Ask strangers for their spare change. It has its drawbacks, but hey, free money!
    
    
16. Find religion. Because that’s the purpose of religion: to help you feel better when Orange Julius runs out of Bananarillas and Law and Order is a rerun again. Can I get an amen?
    
    
17. Remember that no matter how hard your life gets, how many of your plans go awry, they still haven’t found the bodies. And they never will.
    
    
18. On a sunny day, go to the park to enjoy the laughter of children. Bring a puppy or some candy so that they know you are a friend, and a pair of binoculars to do a little amateur bird-watching while you’re there. Be sure to wear sunglasses and a hat, and stand in the deep shade, so that you don’t burn!
    
    
19. Hire two prostitutes.
    
    
20. Look, you want my real advice? I have some. In fact, I have a 3-step program to help you actualize your joy potentiality. It’s easy, it’s free, and it’s surprisingly gratifying. I call it the FTS system. Here’s how it works: next time you have a problem, repeat these three little words: Fuck That Shit. Rude customers at your dead-end job? Fuck that shit. 1% sales tax hike? Fuck that shit. The gentleman in the limo next to yours is also out of Grey Poupon? Fuck. That. Shit!
    
    Car's busted, missed the bus, stained your shirt, dog ran away, dumped again, gained five pounds, roommate ate your leftovers, got the clap, lost your wallet, and "Guitar Hero" just ruined your favorite song? Fuck that shit, and they can all go suck it, too.

 

Happy Puppy says:
"Heck yeah! Go back to BRAINS!"