I really like to make fun of stupid forwards written by teenagers (I know, I'm a bad person). Please, send me your awful forwards, that I may rip them new forward-holes.
This little gem is about--what else?--young love. It might not make you laugh, but it will make you want to strangle young lovers.
The original is in white, and my commentary is in pink. Duh.
It's their 7 month anniversary and the girlfriend calls her boyfriend.
Girl:
i loveyou.
Boy:
Yeah I know, everyone loves me!
-Girl:
Too bad I'm just pity-fucking you.
-Boy: Your fucking does inspire pity, yes.
-Girl:
Really?
Now I begin to think, "Yes! She's totally going to get cheated on, and then she's going to kill herself!" That's what the internet has done to me.
- Boy:
Yeah...everyone of my friends that are girls tell me that everyday.
-Girl: Sweetie...you don't have any girl friends.
-Boy: Yeah, I do!
-Girl: No, you really don't. You talk like a seven-year-old. "Everyone tell me that"? Were you dropped on your head?
- Girl:
Oh...but am I only your friend? No, I know the answer already. I'm your only friend.
- Boy:
No...you're my girlfriend...why? Why, oh, God, why are you my girlfriend? You smell like cheese and you have Sylvia Browne's eyes!
Teach me your googly-eyed ways, Sylvia.
- Girl:
So when I say I love you I really meant it My logic is infallible! My grammar is impeccable! My tits are shiny!
- Boy:
Yeah I know you do mean it...its just that you dont need to tell me that you love me anymore cuz I know you love me since the day we got together and i love you more each and everyday.
-Girl: Well, gee, we really weren't talking about my excessive love so much as your desperate need for female approval.
-Boy: No, I know, I just really want you to shut the fuck up.
-Girl: Oh.
- Girl:
......
What the fuck does that mean? Blank stare? Drooling? How does someone have an RPG-style double-ellipses response while on the phone?
- Boy:
So wanna go somewhere tonight for our 7 month anniversary?
-Girl: Hahaha, no! What am I, a teenage girl with overactive hormones and extra chromosomes?
-Boy: Um, yes?
-Girl: Oh. Right. Yes.
- Girl:
Yeah...where?
-Boy: I don't know, babe. We really should have discussed this earlier.
-Girl: I know. It's crappy dialogue. It simultaneously needs to be kicked in the metaphysical nuts, and is not quite funny enough when it gets the kicking it deserves.
-Boy: What?
- Boy:
I dont know...maybe movie then dinner?
-Girl:
Ok.
Boy:
I'll pick you up after I get off and get ready ok?
- Girl:
Ok.
What time do you get off?
Any time you want me to, sugar.
Oh, wait. That would actually be smooth.
- Boy:
In 2 hours and then I gotta go home and yeah get ready which takes about 15-20 minutes...
-Girl: Really going the extra mile, aren't you?
-Boy: Well, I thought you'd at least like me to wipe off the sweat of the hot divorcee I'm fucking.
-Girl: You'd better; they won't let us in to the restaurant if you smell like Astroglide and middle-aged men's balls.
-Boy: Touche.
-Girl:
hey...I thought you didnt have work today...
- Boy:
One of my co-workers called in sick.
- Girl:
Oh okay! So ill see you around 7:30 then?
- Boy:
Yeah! and babe?
- Girl:
Yeah?
- Boy:
I love you
- Girl:
I love you too!
-Boy: DIDN'T I JUST FUCKING TELL YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY THAT ANYMORE
-Girl: Yes, but I thought--um--
-Boy: CLICK.
- Boy:
Ok my manager is like looking at me so yeah.... i gotta go.
- Girl:
Ok bye.
- Boy:
bye
****************************
2 hours later...
The guy drives to his girlfriends house and walks up to the door and rings bell.
That sentence is so much funnier if you imagine it in a heavy Eastern European accent. In Soviet Russia, bell rings you.
Girl:
Hey! (gives a kiss to her boyfriend)
-Boy: The fuck am I supposed to do with this?
- Boy:
Wassup...you ready?
-Girl: "Wassup"? That's the best you can do?
-Boy: God, I love you.
- Girl:
Um...wait...let me get my bag and we can go ok?
- Boy:
Ok.
They both watched a movie and ate dinner...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THE PURSE-GETTING once they were done eating they headed back to the car but before she got into the car...
- Boy:
Wait! Can I blind fold you?
- Girl:
Why??! What is a blind fold, and why do you want to do it to me? Is this--is this a sexual move? Because I told you, I'm not sucking your toes.
- Boy:
Its a suprise.
- Girl:
What kind of suprise?
-Boy: The kind that involves folding blind people?
- Boy:
A big one.
I got your big one right here.
Girl:
Okay but only if you promise me that you will hold my hand while we're driving.
Because why? Because she knows he's read sex advice books, and is scared that he'll put on someone else's cologne and some rubber gloves, and then pretend he's a different man, stimulating her hoo-ha? Oh. Right.
Girl:
Ok blind fold me...
So they drove off a cliff...........and then they stopped.
- Boy:
Ok we're here!
-Girl:
Where?
- Boy:
Wait let me walk you to the place!
- Girl:
What place?
- Boy:
Somewhere! (and gives a kiss to her on the lips) In Soviet Russia, kiss give to...uh. Nevermind.
- Girl:
Baby!... It's a baby! Holy cow!
-Boy: Yeah, you--you kind of stepped on it.
-Girl: Wait. Whose baby is this?
-Boy: Well, look, baby, you know Shanice at the 7/11?
-Girl: You know my foot in your ass?
[The boy walks her to the place.]
Okay, does anyone else think that maybe some bored smart person wrote this to mock teenagers? "The boy walks her to the place."
Or--or maybe it was Bill O'Reilly who wrote it?
I know that doesn't make sense, but somehow, it just--it just fits.
Oh, shit! It's Sylvia Browne! My prayers have been answered and SHE'S MAKING ME PSYCHIC
BILL O'REILLY I KNOW YOUR SECRETS
- Boy:
Ok...let me take the blind fold off
- Girl:
Where are we?
He takes it off her and she opens her eyes and sees the view of the city and at that same spot...that's where he first asked her to be his girlfriend....
That's it. Mandatory arranged marriages for everyone.
- Girl:
Oh my God....(tears come down)
That's right--God is crying.
- Boy:
Why are you crying?
-Girl: Because I'm disgusting?
- Girl:
This is where you first asked me out...
Man. They call it puppy love because it's only acceptable in puppies.
- Boy:
What are you doing the rest of your life? (he asked on his knees and after he says that...behind him...in the air it says "Will you marry me?" in fireworks)
BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!! That's right. That's right. He's FUCKING PROPOSING TO HIS GIRLFRIEND OF SEVEN MONTHS, and he's doing it by asking WHAT SHE'S DOING FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
Call me a cynic. Call me unromantic. If someone I loved more than anyone in the world got down on their knee(s) and asked me what I was doing for the rest of my life, I would still say, "I'll be trying in vain to wash this taste out of my mouth."
Also, I like how the fireworks go off at just the right moment.
Also also, you know that the "author" was furiously masturbating while she wrote this.
- Girl:
(tears come down faster)
Now the angels are crying, too. Satan is laughing. Laughing and writing about this in His livejournal.
- Boy:
I wasnt at work when you called me...I was planning this whole thing!
- Girl:
Get up!
- Boy:
Yeah?
- Girl:
(kisses boy)
- Boy:
Is that a yes or a no?
- Girl
yes!
-Boy:
Yes that's a yes or a no, or...
-Girl: Yes I'm doing for the rest of my life!
-Boy: Wait, what?
If you don't repost this you will have the loneliest life!
That's a fucking horrible thing to say.
BUT!
BUT!
If you do repost this, you will have a relationship that will last as long as you want it to!
Well, thanks to this bulletin, I can no longer love.
You have 3 minutes to repost this.
if your a girl repost this as CUTEST BOYFRIEND EVER<3
What was the cute part? The satanically eerie firework timing? The self-aggrandizing announcement about how everyone loves him? The corny-ass proposal?
Or maybe she's saying, "Cutest boyfriend ever is less than the number three," which somehow makes more sense than trying to believe someone finds this forward romantic.
if your a boy repost this as WHAT A GIRL DESERVES
Let me tell you something, if a dude was trying to get in my pants, and he thought that anything in this bulletin was WHAT A GIRL DESERVES, well--let's just say we would not fornicate, if you know what I mean.
click on Tim Curry as Satan to go to his LJ
