After my "Sex Advice" blog generated, shall we say, unusual responses, I decided that my next mission should be a philanthropic one: you come to me with your problems, and I will give you my advice. It's a win-win. So send me your problems and I'll mock them in the most delightful way possible!
Also, somehow these all ended up being about sex. What's up with that?
Dear Zombiekim,
Help! I'm attracted to sheep!
I'm not sure I understand. Are you having trouble meeting sheep? Unfortunately, sheep don't have hands, so you won't be able to meet online. In this case, your best bet would be to move to a rural area. Like pedophiles and bed-and-breakfast owners before you, you will discover that a sparsely populated region and quiet country roads are just right for romance.
Or perhaps your problem is that you're afraid people will think you're only into sheep because it's a fad? "Oh, if only I had it out for a nice Holstein, or pigs--no one's doing pigs," is what you may be thinking. "Why can't I be the trendsetter? What about ducks, are ducks hot?"
But sheep attraction doesn't have to be the Wal-Mart of illicit animal affection. Here, your best option would actually be to move to an urban area--you can introduce sheep love in many major cities! And there are so many ways to show that you are the debonair new rake in town: casual hints about "shearing"; wearing skin-tight wool sweaters; buying edgy sheep pop art; saying, "I like to fuck sheep" at parties. The possibilities are endless.
Dear Zombiekim,
Help! I was on my boyfriends laptop the other day and found porn. LOTS and LOTS of it. One or two sites is okay and understandable...but honestly, don't you think one hundred and twenty-two links in his history bar would be more than enough?
When I confronted him about it, he simply stated that they where all, "pop ups" and that only a few were real. When he realized I didn't believe him, he changed his story by saying, "a friend with needs" borrowed it.
Zombiekim, I'm feeling inadequate and perhaps a little weirded out.
Any Advice?
Sincerley,
Porn Addict's Girlfriend
Were any of them sheep porn? Because if so, this is kind of awkward for me.
Listen, PAG. We human beings have advanced brains that cause us to be damn weird creatures. On the one hand, we are happily able to resist humping the legs of passers-by, or having a different stranger's baby every nine months (generally, that is. I went to high school with some of the exceptions to this rule). On the other hand, we are the only animals whose sexual functions might require stilettos, handcuffs, and safe words; certainly we are the only who require candlelight, roses, and the implicit approval of an invisible man in outer space. What I'm trying to say is, no other species has so much social, psychological, and biological crap riding on the act of, er, riding. (Granted, if the porn your boyfriend is looking at involves actual crap, then run.) So, people are strange about sex. Go easy on him.
As for feeling inadequate, honey, don't. Very few men are actually into bleached-blonde, orange-skinned, belly-pierced, soccer-ball-titted "ladies" with drawn-on eyebrows and no brains or personality. And you really wouldn't want to date a guy who would like that, anyway. Besides, people fantasize about things and people that they would never enjoy in real life. Just because a woman thinks about getting tied to a masthead and gang-banged by 17 sailors, the Shamu trainer, and King Triton, well, she's still perfectly normal!
Right?
Dear Zombiekim,
I'm a furry and I'm sick of being made fun of!
I know people with, shall we say, furry leanings, and so I feel a little guilty whenever I mock furries. And I do it a lot, because, haha! Fursuits aren't sexy! Anyway. Consider this my public service advice, for those of you I've wronged:
The easiest way to feel better about your own perversions, Furries and Freaks, is to kick the next person down on the ladder. (The ladder of perversions. Cool.) Even lame goth kids who think they're vampires and suck each other's blood behind the Pak 'N' Save, can find someone creepier to spit on. Furries, you're pretty far down the ladder (go much farther and you're getting into felony charges), but you too can find someone to ridicule. So, next time you hear a joke at your fursuited-people's expense, just silently replace "furries" with "plushies." And no, I don't feel bad about making fun of plushies at all whatsoever. Why? Because anyone who wants to copulate with a Build-A-Bear clearly has no soul, that's why.
Sheesh. Dear Abby never has to deal with this.
click the sheep to go back to BRAINS
and don't forget to send me your advice requests!
