You don’t think I know about conspiracy theorists? Oh, I know about them. I know ALL about them. I know the things the government doesn’t want you to know. I know the stuff they put on Secret Wikipedia. Read more–if the evil puppet government hasn’t raided your compound already.

People with broken brains are everywhere. Case in point: today in Starbucks, I overheard a middle-aged white lady talking to a gentleman. She said, “The government is meddling in things it shouldn’t be. There are three very rich and powerful families who are running this world.”

“Yeah, totally,” he said. I started hoping he was just trying to get in her pants (ugh).

“There are the Rockefellers, the—I don’t remember the other two, my mother is more educated on this than I am,” she said, thereby murdering, mutilating, and humping the corpse of the word “educated.”

“S-suppose there are four?” he said. “Suppose there are four families?”

How about…suppose there are two? Suppose there are six families, and one of them is ginger? Suppose that bananas can fly, unicorns are real, and Robert Downey, Jr. has saved all of your letters and really loves you back?* You can suppose whatever you damn well please, because YOU ARE A MORON.
*That is impossible, because he already loves me.

Unfortunately for those of you who watched Sesame Street as children and learned your basic reasoning skills, there are many assorted wackjobs in this world who did not. And not all of them are helpful enough to identify themselves by wearing their tinfoil hats to Wal-Mart. But knowledge is power, friends, so here I present you with this. (You can thank me later. And hopeful not by sending me locks of your hair and photos of fruit you’ve named.)

Type #1: The “My Computer Wants To Kill Me” Self-Centered Psycho

Everyone knows that computer security is a problem, and that privacy in the digital age is a thorny issue. Okay, fair enough. But we normals know that the danger is that someone may get access to your social security number, billing information, etc. Conspiracy theorists of Type #1, on the other hand, are both misinformed and outrageously self-centered. They believe that some government official is actually looking at the information on their individual hard drives. They think that the stuff on their computers—pictures of cat weddings, their favorite Star Wars quotes—is data, but that’s just because they don’t know what data is. In fact, while they often casually use jargon like “software” and “port,” they don’t actually know anything about computers that wasn’t published in Totally Weird Guys Monthly magazine or confirmed by their buddies on the What The F is Wrong with You online forum.

Basically, they want to believe that shadowy government organizations and ultra-powerful mega-corporations are actually interested in their personal lives and not just strings of numeric information related to them. That’s because they are in fact incredibly uninteresting people, and will do anything to avoid this realization.

But here’s the thing about My Computer Wants to Kill Me types. Let’s say there is a man in black, wearing his sunglasses at night and keeping watch over my laptop. I’ll never know about it and never be affected in any way. So what, this G-man is off somewhere masturbating over the knowledge that I spent two hours yesterday looking at pictures of cakes on the Internet? (Yeah, no, I really did that.) That is still way less intrusive than having the average unwashed loonie on the bus start talking to me about fluoride in the water supply.

Type #2: The “Science is Your Friend, But Only if You Hate Your Friends” History Lover

This type of Nutter Butter has illegible notes written all through his copy of The Da Vinci Code. He knows way too much about the Templars, the Illuminati, the Masons, and any other menacing group that wears hoods (except for the ones that are actually dangerous, like the Ku Klux Klan and the Death Eaters). You can be sure that if the History Channel has ever made a two-hour special about something, ending with a man’s voice intoning “We may never know the truth” while the camera zooms in on grainy photographs, then the Type #2 believes in it. This includes Atlantis, Bigfoot, and any number of things about the pyramids.

Type #2ers tend to be somewhat intellectually curious, and gullible rather than unhinged. The trouble with this type is not so much that they’re creepy or crazy, but that they make your brain hurt so bad. For example, I could explain the many, many, MANY ways we know that alien astronauts didn’t impregnate paleolithic women and teach us how to build the pyramids.** And I do find myself wanting to help the Type #2, to explain to them some real things about history, science, and archaeology. But as soon as I try to talk them, my brain crunches up into logic-overload-origami, and I can only manage a face-palm. So, if you are a Type #2 who buys that garbage, maybe you should take your filthy eyes off of my pretty website and go read “The Truth Seeker” instead. (Actually, you should ALL go read it, because it is the most conspiracy-cuckoo thing you’ll ever lay eyes on.)
**Erich Von Daniken is rumored to have a net worth of $75 million dollars because he sells books that argue exactly that. I hate you, Von Daniken. I really, really do.

And if you are a non-Type #2: next time you need to escape a conversation with such a person, shout these words: “Andrew Jackson X Files Aleister Crowley!” You should have distracted them long enough to flee.

Type #3: The “Dead Celebrities” Necrophiliac

JFK was killed by Elvis was killed by the Pentagon was killed by Tupac was killed by Princess Diana was killed by Janis Joplin was killed by the FBI was killed by John Lennon was killed by Marilyn Monroe was killed by the Mafia was killed by 9/11 was killed by your mom. There. Feel better?

Type #4: Creepy Stalker Guy

Hey, Creepy Stalker Guy. How’s it going? I got your last letter, and I like the workmanship that went into that naked drawing of me as a Kali, Hindu goddess of destruction. Yes, I have started using a new shampoo, thank you for asking. I’m sorry that I switched grocery stores without warning. Next time I’ll be sure to pass the message on to your Dachsund so he can tell you.

FAQs:

1. Why is it so hard to argue with conspiracy theorists?

It’s because they’ve discovered WSDs. I’m speaking, of course, of the three classic Will Smith Defenses. They are debate tactics that are bold and unbeatable.

WSD #1: “Gettin’ jiggy wit’ it (na na na na na na na).”
WSD #2: “Get off my car!”
WSD #3: “What if I’m right?”

Crazy people love to whip out WSD #3, which Will Smith unveiled in its ultimate form in I-Robot. But this, of course, is ridiculous. What do you mean, “what if” you’re right? What if you’re NOT right? It’s completely nonsens—

yeah but what if I’m right

Uh. Did you guys hear something? Where was I? Oh, yes. It’s not logical, because–

WHAT IF I’M RIGHT?

…

That’s why.

2. Why are there so many conspiracy theorists?

I could say that it’s because the human brain is well-adapted to a narrative structure, so we naturally take unrelated and confusing information and try to turn it into something we can understand. Or that it’s just too terrifying for some of us to grasp that our world is made up of indescribably complex economies and thousands of powerful people. I could say a lot of things that make sense.

But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So, I say, there are so many misinformed wackjobs in the world because it is all part of a vast conspiracy to drive me batshit insane. Thanks for nothing, shadow government! See if I vote for Elvis as Prime Minister of North America in next year’s secret elections.

Oh, damn, I’ve said too much.