Do I have a deal for you! For just $14.95, you too can have a fleeting self-esteem boost, a good cry, and the appearance of personality depth.

Back when I was still interested in Tiger Beat magazine and spending afternoons at the local Claire’s accessories (where pink goes to die)—in other words, when I was in middle school—I came across a product called “Boyfriend in a Box.” Ostensibly aimed at girls my age and a few years older, BiaB Included photos, love letters, and more from my “boyfriend.” Basically it was everything I might need to trick my peers into believing I was desirable to such catches as Skater Skye and All-American Alec. (I had to Google this product to refresh my memory—I did not just remember those names, okay?)

This was the teen edition of what I have recently learned was a fairly successful product for grown women, introduced in the late ‘90s by Cathy Hamilton. The adult product featured studs like Music Miles and Shy Stan, men to inspire oatmeal-sweater-based sexual fantasies. Apparently, customers bought them not just as gag gifts, but also for themselves–to induce a good cry on Valentine’s Day, no doubt. It was successful enough that Warner Brothers Pictures purchased the movie rights to “Boyfriend in a Box,” and a rom-com starring Brittany Murphy was actually in pre-production as of several years ago. No, I’m not kidding.

Just as bizarre, according to one article some Promise Keepers (“promise” being a cute euphemism for “hymen”) bought BiaB’s to help deflect suitors unworthy of their Christ-like hoo-ha’s. If the fundies possess that kind of genius, how come we’re not all Creationists already? Seriously, though, if it was me in their most-likely-orthopedic shoes, I would just tell these heathen males, “Oral sex and contraception are the work of the Devil.” More effective and cheaper than an elaborate boyfriend ruse, and Jesus would totally high-five me from Heaven.

I don’t think the teen version sold as well, and for obvious reasons. Foremost in my mind is that that story about your Niagara Falls boyfriend is actually more plausible if unaccompanied by a professional photograph printed on glossy paper. Also, while adults would be too polite to mention that they know you’re lying through your sad, desperate teeth, you can bet that 14-year-olds would be nowhere near as sensitive.

I think, though, that Ms. Hamilton really overlooked a priceless market for her product: irony-centric 20- and 30-somethings. And here we come to why I started writing this in the first place (aside from as an excuse to say “Christ-like hoo-ha’s”): my product, My Fake Boyfriend™.

My Fake Boyfriend™ contains photos, love letters, notes, and even a cologne sample! You can laugh at these with your hipster friends, and sigh over them when you are alone. Best of all, you are not swooning over a Doctor Dave or Collegiate Cole–these are the same minor celebrities that you already use to shallowly distinguish yourself from your peers.

Need an example of what My Fake Boyfriend™ (please refrain from calling it a “foyfriend”) actually means for you? Let’s start with–I bet you can guess who.

My Fake Boyfriend™: love that is cheesy yet genuine, hip yet consumerist!

(We’re–we’re working on the slogan.)

Now, you’re saying, “Kim, you are kind of a weirdo. You worship many minor celebrities and fictional characters. So many that I can easily think of a few from Law and Order alone. It’s almost as creepy as those Promise Keepers with imaginary boyfriends. I don’t think that anyone else would enjoy this product the way you do. And how is it that you have a real boyfriend, you creep-o?”

First off, you’re a jerk. Man.

Second, I know real, live, non-Promise Keeper women who would totally shell out $14.95 for these babies (My Fake Boyfriend™ does not contain babies):

And that’s just the beginning. How about the charms of:

Kiefer might not be quite unusual enough to warrant a My Fake Boyfriend™, but you haven’t seen Sean do his impression of Kiefer trying to get people’s attention with his gruff whisper: “Hey. Hey. Guys. Have you seen the remote? I–I really need the remote. You guys. This isn’t funny. I know you–hey, where are my keys? The keychain has a little fuzzy duck on it. Hey. Hey guys.”

Here comes my personal favorite and blog inspiration–Marty McFly–and the rest of the My Fake ’80s Boyfriend™ line.

And finally, if you know the real man in your life, you know that he’s got a man crush. They all do.

Get your My Fake Boyfriend™ to start your journey into semi-facetious, embarrassingly unironic love today!